It was Friday evening and I opened my mail to find a notice from my bank saying my car loan was six months past due. I had until Monday to pay it in full or they would start the repossession process. Yes, Monday. I had three days to come up with the cash, or they were going to repossess my car.
The panic set in.
Uhhhh… WHAT?!!!!
How did this happen?
I don’t have that money lying around.
Oh my gosh. I’m going to lose my car.
How could I have done this?
I thought I was being responsible.
How could I have messed this up so bad?
Oh no. What am I going to do?
I need answers. And I need them now. I’m freaking out!
I’m locked out of my online account.
It’s too late to call, the office is closed.
Great, tomorrow’s Saturday, and since it’s a credit union, there’s no way they’re going to be open tomorrow.
Ugh, what am I going to do?…
I started spiraling.
I replayed the worst-case scenario over and over for the next hour or so.
Imagining everything that can go wrong.
Seeing no potential for a good ending.
Then I had a moment of clarity.
I took a breath and thought about the facts.
Fact 1: I’ve been transferring money into my account at that bank every month for the last six months.
Fact 2: My auto loan is supposed to be getting auto paid and pulled from that checking account every month.
Fact 3: I have transferred more than enough to cover the outstanding balance stated in the letter.
So, there must be a mix-up. Somewhere.
Since I’ve been transferring more than enough money to cover my auto loan for the last 6 months if that money hasn’t been getting applied to my auto loan it must just be sitting in my account.
Which means… I should have enough to transfer from that checking account to get my loan current.
The spiraling stopped and I saw a new outcome.
Everything is going to be okay.
Now I could plan and work toward a resolution.
I looked up the hours for my credit union – they were open on Saturday. Score! I’ll call them tomorrow!
I called them Saturday morning, explained the letter and my situation, including that I thought my loan was setup on autopay.
They confirmed all the money was in my checking account, applied it toward my loan, and reversed my negative standing with them.
All things were back in order as if the whole situation never happened.
So what changed? How did I go from catastrophizing to seeing and planning for a different outcome?
I was no longer in fight, flight, freeze mode. I was able to take a step back and separate myself from my emotions. Allowing myself to see things differently and come up with a plan to resolve the situation.
We’ve all been there.
We get stressed out or worried about something.
We keep playing every scenario over and over in our head. Picturing what can go wrong over and over in our head. Imagining every bad outcome.
Wondering what will go wrong. Imagining the worst-case scenarios. Convincing ourselves how bad the outcome is going to be.
What if I throw-up when I’m giving my presentation? What if I throw up on stage… in front of everybody?
That will be the end of me… everybody will laugh at me… I’ll be a total failure… I’ll never be able to get on stage again… and on and on.
The ADHD brain craves stimulation.
The more intense, interesting, or exciting the better.
If our brains are bored, they search for something to draw their attention or latch onto. The ADHD brain is extremely adept at creating interest by fantasizing and day dreaming.
The challenge is that it can have a tendency toward the dramatic. Drama is gripping and intriguing and the ADHD brain can latch onto it when it’s bored or not being challenged.
The same thing happens when we are worried or stressed. Or even when we are nervous about something or not certain about an outcome.
Why does the ADHD brain tend toward the negative?
When we’re worried about something, all our past mistakes and mishaps pop into our heads. Letting us know that we’ve failed before, so we’re definitely going to fail again. This is what Dr. Edward M. Hallowell and Dr. John J. Ratey refer to in their book ADHD 2.0 as the “Default Mode Network”.
Dr. Hallowell and Dr. Ratey explain that people with ADHD are “particularly prone to head toward gloom and doom in their minds because they have stored up in their memory banks a lifetime of moments of failure, disappointment, shame, frustration, defeat, and embarrassment.”
They further explain that based on their past experiences “life has taught people with ADHD to imagine and expect the worst” from any situation.
What does this thinking look like?
We start to spiral. Imagining everything that can go wrong.
We wonder “what if” about a million possible outcomes, convinced that the worst one is going to be what happens.
Soon whatever the situation or task, even if we were once excited about it, has now become destined for disaster.
This is known as catastrophizing. Our brain comes up with every horrible scenario and convinces us that disaster is the only possible outcome.
When we are in a state of catastrophizing, we get stuck.
We start to spiral, increasing our anxiety and stress. We get ourselves into this endless loop of “what ifs”, imagining all the worst-case scenarios.
Once we are in this place, it’s difficult to get out. We have done it so many times over the years that it becomes “comfortable” to us.
What doesn’t help us get out of this state?
Trying to force ourselves to “think positive” and tell ourselves that that’s not what’s going to happen doesn’t work. We have already convinced ourselves that it’s going to go horribly.
Bullying ourselves out of it by telling ourselves that we’re being ridiculous won’t work. Putting ourselves down to get ourselves to change isn’t productive or healthy. We’ve experienced this enough from others over the years; let’s not carry on this pattern with ourselves.
So, what does work?
There are several tools and strategies you can use when you find yourself catastrophizing, but my favorite is something known as “worst-case, best-case, likely”. I use this myself and recommend it to my clients, sometimes walking through the process with them.
To do this exercise grab a piece of paper and give yourself 5-15 minutes to go through these questions and write down your answers to each.
- What is the worst possible outcome?
- What is the best possible outcome?
- What is the likely outcome?
Really think about these answers and let yourself explore each question. Exploring each of these outcomes, allows your brain to open up to new possibilities it didn’t see before.
This exercise helps your brain to see the positive outcomes you could experience. It lets you dream and imagine what success looks like in the scenario.
When we’re stressed or in fight, flight, freeze mode, we’re emotionally charged. And when we’re emotionally charges, we’re not able to think clearly. Our emotions drive our thoughts.
Asking yourself these questions helps you to look at and consider the facts of the situation. It helps take the emphasis off your emotions, allowing you to imagine possibilities.
Next time you catch yourself catastrophizing and spiraling, try this exercise and see how your focus changes.
Once you’ve tried this exercise be sure to let me know how it worked for you in the comments below!
I believe in you. Now it’s your turn to choose to believe in yourself.
You are capable of more than you can imagine.
You’ve got this.