The #1 Thing You Do That Sabotages Your Success

The worst friend EVER.

Imagine every time you thought about trying something new your best friend says to you, “Yeah right, don’t bother. You don’t know what you’re doing and you’re not going to be any good at it anyway.”   

Or imagine telling them that you’re going to start keeping your house clean and they say, “Ha!  I’ve heard that before!  You always have these ‘goals’, but you never follow through on them.  Don’t bother pretending, you know it’s never going to last.”

Or imagine forgetting your lunch and they say to you, “Seriously?!  I can’t believe you forgot that again!  You never remember anything!  What’s wrong with you?!”

How would you feel when they said these things? 

How would you feel about your friend?  Would you want to spend much time with them? 

How would you feel about yourself?  Would you be willing to try new things or strive to make any kind of changes in your life?  Would you feel supported?  Would you believe in yourself? 

Now consider this – this isn’t your best friend saying these things, THIS IS YOU.  You’re saying these things to yourself!  EVERYDAY.  Probably multiple times a day.

 Is it any wonder why we struggle?

By the time a person with ADHD is 10, it is estimated that they have received nearly 20,000 more negative or corrective messages than someone without ADHD.

With all the negative messages we receive throughout our lives, it’s no wonder our self-belief is so low, and our self-talk is anything but supportive.

 Consider for a moment the scenarios above… How did that feedback from your best friend make you feel?  How likely were you to do those things?  How did you feel about your potential for change?  Now, how much more impactful do you think it is when you’re telling yourself those things daily, repeatedly?

 Is it any wonder why you struggle to get motivated?  Does it seem so farfetched that you doubt yourself and/or your decisions?  Is it any surprise you shy away from things you don’t see as a sure thing?

What we say to ourselves has the power to determine how we will act and what we will do. 

What we say to ourselves impacts our actions and impacts how we show up in our lives.  It impacts how we interact with other people.  It impacts whether we decide to ‘go for it’.  It impacts how we feel about ourselves and what we believe about ourselves.

What we tell ourselves has the power to help us succeed or make us fail.  Henry Ford was spot on when he said: “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.”

So how do you change your self-talk?

Your instinct might be to shove it down or ignore it… don’t.  This only makes it worse.  Trying to ignore it or shove it down only makes it stronger and more persistent. 

Acknowledge it.

It may seem counterintuitive, but to change our self-talk we must nurture the existing negative thoughts we have.  We have to acknowledge them.  Listen to them without judgement or attachment.  Treat them with kindness and allow them to be heard. 

A little trick I use when I’m acknowledging a negative thought is to remind myself of the saying, “Don’t believe everything you think.”  Just because thoughts are coming into your head, doesn’t make them true.  Thinking of this saying allows you to take a step back and detach from the thought, without placing any labels or judgement on it.

Track it.

To acknowledge your thoughts, begin by just noticing what you’re saying to yourself.  Listen without judgement.  Just notice what you say to yourself.  As you start to notice your negative self-talk, write it down.  Use a pad of paper or a notes app in your phone and start keeping track of the negative messages you’re telling yourself. 

Doing this will help you get in the habit of pausing and noticing, and it will make you aware of what you are saying to yourself.  Remember – we can’t change what we don’t know.

Actively CHOOSE to change it.

Once we acknowledge and begin to recognize these thoughts, we can begin to take action.  This is the fun part!  We get to choose the thoughts we want to have! 

Take a look at the list you’ve created.  What thoughts are repeated the most?  What thoughts are particularly triggering when you read them?  What thoughts evoke the most emotion?  Circle or highlight them.

Grab a new piece of paper and draw a line down the middle.  On the left side write down those thoughts you identified above.  On the right side write down a thought you would like to have instead.  Choose a thought that is empowering, encouraging, and supportive.  Something that will lift you up. 

Then read these thoughts back to yourself.  Keep this list with you and refer to it throughout the day.  Each time one of the thoughts from the left side comes up, acknowledge it, and tell yourself, “I choose to believe _  [corresponding thought you chose on the right side]    instead.”

To recap, here are the four steps to changing your self-talk: 

1. Notice your self-talk. 
2. Make note of the negative messages you are telling yourself. 
3. Compile the messages you repeat to yourself most and identify what positive/supportive message you want to tell yourself instead. 
4. When you notice yourself saying those negative messages, repeat back to yourself the positive/supportive message you choose to believe instead.

Not sure what thought you want to choose?  Here are a couple examples to get your wheels turning.

This is an ongoing practice.

The negative messages we have received, and our negative self-talk have become ingrained in us from years of repetition.  These will not change overnight.  Be patient. 

This is a practice, and with repetition you will train your brain’s default self-talk to be positive, gradually decreasing the negative and giving you the skills and tools to counter it when it does creep up.

Now go out and do it.